For the past three months I have been sitting on so many stories. Stories that probably want to be told, but that I wasn't ready to tell. Why? Great question.
See, this thing happens when I reach for the stars; once I reach them, I crash land into the familiar landscape of doubt, fear, and second-guessing. The crazy thing is that this doesn't just show up mentally for me, it shows up physically as well. I got sick. Like crazy, mad sick over Thanksgiving. Like, I am still recovering sick.
I am the master at reaching the stars, just not so great at navigating the landing. Up until this point in my life. It's time to break the cycle.
So begins my first story.
I love doing what others tell me I can't. The things that others won't. The improbable and even impossible dreams. I have been doing them my whole life as is evidenced by the three words my Dad used to describe me, "Think. Plan. Execute." I am a master manifestor.
I had this vision to go on a cross country quest connecting with others through hugs at the end of August 2019. By late September, I was on the road. One month. That's all it took to think, plan, execute. Why? Because I was so sure of what I was doing and why. Because I was excited to realize my dream of a cross country excursion. Because I couldn't wait to realize my dream of going to the Albuquerque Hot Air Balloon Fiesta.
I couldn't wait to share my love with others and offer up my unconditional presence to everyone I encountered because I believe in humanity. I believe in the goodness of all. I wanted to show them how important they are just by being alive.
What I didn't expect was that they would do the same for me. (I know, I know, how naive!)
Not only did they gift me their presence, they also made it very clear how worthy I was. They went above and beyond to make me feel comfortable and welcomed into their homes, their families, and their towns. They showed me that I am worthy.
Now, you would think this would be a good thing, but this very gift was what led to my crash landing. When I got home, I knew people would want to hear my stories. (what if they aren't good enough?) They would want me to write the book. (what if it's a complete disaster?) They would want me to continue to showing up in the world. They would want to continue seeing me. YOU would want to continue seeing me.
What if I don't have the energy for this? What if everyone hates my stories? What if my writing is no good? What if they were just pretending and no one really cared what I was doing? What if no one shows up to hear what I have to say? What if I'm not good enough? What if showing up proves that I truly am not worthy?
These were the thoughts I had as my body began to wear down. There is absolutely no coincidence there.
Releasing the belief of unworthiness that has caused these crash landings requires immense courage, stamina, and resilience. Fortunately I have those in spades. It's the starting that always eludes me... until now.
I will take baby steps if I must, but there are infinite stars in the sky and I want to reach as many of them as I can before my time runs out. Write a book, take another cross country hug tour, create more human connections, heck, hug across the globe. These crash landings just slow me down. Time to learn how to cushion the landing, remember my worth, and keep showing up in ways that leaves no time for the stardust to shake off before I am back among the stars again.